Parts
by Mitsuara
Summary: "You want to talk to Razer and Aya about WHAT?" crack, characters maybe definitely ooc. Happy birthday transformertard!
1. Chapter 1

**Happy birthday tardy! You're a great friend and an all around awesome person, and I'm so glad I met you. Hope you enjoy the crack! :D**

* * *

"Um, Hal?" Kilowog approached the human's seat on the Interceptor's bridge, far more nervously than usual, "I've been thinking."

"Uh oh." Hal chuckled, spinning his chair to face his fellow Green Lantern, "Kilowog, you know that's dangerous."

The Bolovax Vikian rolled his eyes, "Ha ha, very funny. This is serious. It's about-" he grimaced, flapping a clawed hand at the pair across the room, "-them."

Hal arched an eyebrow, "Razer and Aya? What about them?"

"Um, well, you know." Kilowog wrung his hands, "They're getting- closer, and I just thought it would be a good idea if somebody talked to them. About… stuff."

Hal frowned. And frowned. Then both his eyebrows shot up as he realized what his friend was talking about.

"You- you want to give Aya and Razer _the talk_?" The Green Lantern chocked out.

Kilowog's brow furrowed, "The what?"

"The talk!" Hal cried, flailing slightly, "You want to give them- you want to talk to them-"

'Them' were too wrapped up in each other to notice the mild panic attack their captain was having.

"-About _sex._" The last word was hissed, nearly a whisper.

"Um." Kilowog shifted from foot to foot, "Yes?"

Hal gapped, mouth opening and closing as he struggled to come up the words to adequately explain why that was a Very Bad Idea. Yes, the capitals _were_ necessary, thank you very much.

"Didin't- didn't Razer have a girlfriend before? Yeah, he did!" Hal chuckled nervously, "So I'm sure he knows aaaall about that stuff. No need to explain it to him!"

Kilowog wasn't really sure if he should ask the next question, as the human's voice was steadily climbing in octave, and had been since he'd initiated this conversation, but the issue needed to be addressed.

"…What about Aya?"

Yep, Hal's left eye definitely twitched a bit.

"She's a _robot, _Kilowog! I doubt she even has the right-" Hal gestured wildly at his groin area, "-parts!"

Hysteria did not look good on the Green Lantern. Kilowog almost regretted what he had to ask next. Almost.

"Sure, but she made her own body. Couldn't she just… construct the right parts?"

Hal stiffened. Full body freeze, deer in the headlights stare.

"Um, Hal?" Kilowog waved a hand in front of his friend's face, "You okay buddy?"

* * *

Razer glanced across the command deck from where he was chatting with Aya just in time to see Hal run from the room, shrieking something about _parts_ and _mental images_ and _brain bleach, where do we keep the brain bleach?_

The Red Lantern turned slowly to stare at Kilowog.

"What did you _do_?"

The Green Lantern shrugged helplessly, "I think I broke him."


	2. Chapter 2

**In my opinion this is no where near as good as the first chapter, but I figured I should upload it anyways.**

* * *

"Hal, I know it makes you uncomfortable, but it needs to be done. Would you just open the door?"

"No!" came the answering shriek from behind the closed and locked door, "I am _not_ talking to them about _that!_"

"Hal," Kilowog sighed, leaning against the wall next to his friend's room, "Razer might not need it, but we have no idea of the extent of Aya's knowledge on the subject."

"You tell her them if you're so concerned!" Hal Jordan, Green Lantern and guardian of Earth cried as he borrowed his head further under his pillow, "I'm not coming out!"

Kilowog sighed, rolling his eyes, "Let me get this straight. You can take on Atrocitus and talk the rest of the Red Lantern Corps into stopping the war, but you can't talk to Razer and Aya about the perfectly natural act of reproducing?"

"Aya's a robot!" Hal yelled into his bed, "She can't reproduce! Go away!"

"You don't know that."

"I did _not_ need those mental images!"

"Look. Hal." Kilowog huffed, rubbing between his eyes, "Aya might not even know what sex _is. _We should at least-"

"Let Razer tell her! Maybe she can look it up on the internet!"

"The… what?"

"The internet! Home to a shit load of porn and cat videos!"

"What do Earthen felines have to do with anything?" Kilowog shook his head, "Nevermind, that's not the point. The point is I am going to talk to Razer and Aya about sex and _you_ are going to help me!"

"I am _not_!"

Kilowog brought his clawed hand up to his face, tiny ears flickering slightly.

"Aya, Green Lantern Hal is moping in his quarters," he spoke into his ring, "Could you unlock his door for me?"

"What!" Hal cried from inside, "No!"

The Bolovax Vikian smirked as the door slide open for him, "Thanks Aya."

"You are welcome." Came the smooth reply, "I hope that you are able to cease Green Lantern Hal's… moping."

"Aya!" Hal wailed.

"Alright buddy," Kilowog grinned as he entered the room, grabbing his friend and easily slinging him over his shoulder, "Let's go chat with the kids."

00000

"Aya, Razer!" Kilowog called as he entered the _Interceptor's_ bridge.

The two turned, Aya cocking her head at the Green Lantern and Razer raising an eyebrow.

"What are you doing with Hal?" Razer asked, watching as the human cursed violently and pounded on Kilowog's chest.

"We," Kilowog said, slipping Hal off his shoulder and placing the Green Lantern on his feet, keeping a firm hand on his friend's shoulder, "Would like to talk to you."

Hal crossed his arms and glared at the floor.

"I do not think Green Lantern agrees with you, Green Lantern Kilowog." Aya observed calmly.

"Yeah, well, he doesn't have a choice." Kilowog pronounced cheerfully.

"What is it you wanted to talk to us about?" Razer asked, arms crossed over his chest.

"Sex."

Aya tilted her head and frowned. Razer blinked.

"_What?_" Razer finally sputtered, "You- _what?_"

"He wants to give you the talk." Hal muttered weakly, still intensely studying the floor.

"The what?"

Kilowog flapped a hand, "Some human thing. Not important."

"What is… sex?" Aya asked, still frowning slightly. Razer's eyes widened as Hal whimpered slightly.

"Well," Kilowog grinned, "When two people love each other very much-"

"NO!" Hal shrieked at the same time Razer yelled, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU! NOT LISTENING! GOOD BYE!"

The two made a run for it, stumbling over each other in their hurry to get out the door. Kilowog rolled his eyes, "Prudes."


	3. Chapter 3

**So this was only supposed to be a one shot, but then the second chapter attacked me and demanded to be written. And then I forgot to mark this as complete and everyone was going on about how they were looking forward to the nonexistent third chapter. So I wrote this thing. Hope it lives up to your expectations. **

**PETRA THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SHORT LITTLE THING BECAUSE I HAVE A LONGER ONE SHOT THAT I'M NOT UPLOADING UNTIL YOUR PARTY AND NOW IT'S THREE CHAPTERS LONG AND I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. :1**

* * *

"If you're so disturbed by the thought of Kilowog giving Aya the talk, why are you eavesdropping on them?"

Razor shot a glare at the Green Lantern, "You're one to talk," he huffed, "I'm just curious what Kilowog is telling her. We're completely different species, after all, the probability of us ...copulating in the same way is very low."

Hal gaped at the Red Lantern, eyes flickering to the male's groin and then back up. Razer frowned.

"What?"

"You-" Hal squeaked out, "How do you-? You know."

Razer arched an eyebrow, "If I tell you, will you freak out again?"

Hal sighed, slumping against the wall, "Probably."

"Then I'd rather not tell you."

The Red Lantern's brow furrowed, "Somehow, I doubt what he is telling Aya is the same."

"That's great. I don't want to hear it." Hal grumbled, a shudder that was only half theatrics running through him.

"I have no idea how Kilowog's species procreates." Razer admitted, peering around the bridge door where the Bolovax Vikian was waving his arms animatedly, explaining something, while Aya nodded thoughtfully.

"I don't _want_ to know." Hal groaned, tilting his head back to pinch the bridge of his nose, "I would be quite happy to forget this day ever happened."

"You're not the one who's girlfriend is being taught a method of fornication that is most likely not compatible with your own." Razer grumbled.

Hal whined, letting his head fall to _thunk_ against the wall, "Stooooop. You're giving me mental images."

"Probably incorrect mental images."

"Would you stop that!" Hal snapped, "I'm traumatized enough without you letting me know that you guys can have sex in ways I haven't even considered." He hugged himself, grimacing, "God!"

Razer smirked, "Just figured you should know."

"You're doing that on purpose!" The human cried, glaring at the Red Lantern.

Razer shrugged easily. Hal glared.

"So." The alien asked nonchalantly, "How do _you_ have sex?"

Hal let out a strangled cry and launched himself at Razer, hands scrabbling at his neck.

Razer let out a bark of surprised laughter as Hal bowled into him, the two males tumbling into the bridge.

"I'm going to _kill_ you!" Hal cried, a short burst of green energy coming into existence above him before it was swatted out by a red burn.

"I'd like to see you try!" Razer shot back shoving at the human's chest.

* * *

Aya cocked her helm at the two males rolled about the bridge, screeching and shoving at each other, random blooms of colored energy appearing just as quickly as they disappeared.

"Is this what you were referring to, Green Lantern Kilowog?"

The large alien guffawed, shaking his head at the two of them. He watched them trade insults and punches. He should probably break them up, but they weren't doing any _real_ harm to each other, and he could always use this to mortify the two of them later. That was always fun.

"Not quite."

He grinned, "This is foreplay."


End file.
